Trial by Wizengamot
by Indigo Ziona
Summary: If J.K. Rowling had been W.S. Gilbert and also been friends with Sir. Arthur Sullivan, the Hearing in OotP might have been a little like this. A Trial by Jury parody - enjoy!


_I love Gilbert and Sullivan. This piece is essentially 'The Hearing' from Order of the Phoenix, done entirely to the tune of 'Trial by Jury'. I couldn't have done it without two wonderful sites - numero uno is the libretto from the Gilbert and Sullivan archive, and numero dos is Broadway Midi and their midi files of the entire opera. I should possibly state, in order to reinforce notions of my sanity, that I doubt my chances of finding someone who knows 'Trial by Jury' at least as well as I do and who is also a fan of Harry Potter fanfiction. If you are that rarefied person, please leave a review, even if you want to tell me how awful my parody is. In fact, please leave a review anyway, even if you want to get critical or whatever. Now I'm babbling. Just read the opera, and sing along to the midis (or the actual score!) if you can ;)_ _BTW, I actually drew some pictures inspired by the musical Potter theme, which will go on indigoziona.deviantart.com once I can verify my account._ TRIAL BY WIZENGAMOT Libretto by Indigo Ziona after W. S. Gilbert and J.K. Rowling  
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan _Harry and Arthur run to the courtroom as the opening bars play. Arthur starts the opera rather frantically with 'Hark the hour of ten…'_ ARTHUR: Come, to courtroom ten we're bounded:  
Time has changed, I'm so astounded,  
Now the hour of eight has sounded,  
Follow me down here  
For today you have your hearing  
For your stag patronus rearing  
Just go on and look endearing  
You'll get the all-clear For today you have your hearing  
For your stag patronus rearing  
Just go on and look endearing  
You'll get the all-clear  
Just go on and look endearing  
You'll get the all-clear Come, to courtroom ten we're bounded:  
Time has changed, I'm so astounded,  
Now the hour of eight has sounded,  
Follow me down here  
For today you have your hearing  
For your stag patronus rearing  
Just go on and look endearing  
You'll get the all-clear Come, to courtroom ten we're bounded:  
Time has changed, I'm so astounded,  
Now the hour of eight has sounded,  
Follow me… down… here! _Meanwhile, in the courtroom, Fudge is issuing advice – 'Now, Jurymen, hear my advice' ('From bias free of every kind')._ FUDGE: Now, my good friends, remember this,  
This boy invites our prejudice.  
Do not arouse his pride,  
Do not arouse his pride  
With tales of his great bravery.  
From every kind of bias free,  
This trial must be tried. WIZENGAMOT: From every kind of bias free,  
This trial must be tried. FUDGE: Oh, pay attention to the case:  
See not the scar upon his face,  
All his great deeds deride.  
Remember just his felony:  
From every kind of bias free,  
This trial must be tried. WIZENGAMOT: From every kind of bias free,  
This trial must be tried. FUDGE: And to excuse himself, he'll try,  
Remember: fallen heroes lie,  
So do not take his side.  
Treat him strictly as can be.  
From every kind of bias free,  
This trial must be tried. WIZENGAMOT: From every kind of bias free,  
This trial must be tried. _Enter Harry._ RECIT – _'Is this the court of the Exchequer'._ HARRY: Is this the dungeon from the Pensieve?  
It is!  
Death Eater trials extensive…  
FUDGE: You Potter are quite undecorous  
You are late!  
Sit now before us. EVIL INTERROGATORS: Potter, dread our punishment!  
Don't try lying!  
Or defying! BONES: Listen to me if you please,  
Your dislike may seem contagious.  
A remark I may provide  
That of all his acts courageous,  
You have simply left aside. EVIL INTERROGATORS: (sarcastically) That's a point that hurts our pride  
Saying all his acts courageous  
We have simply left aside.  
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! SONG – _'When first my old, old love I knew' ('Love-sick boy')_ BONES: When we were free from You-Know-Who,  
Our people cried with joy.  
And parties we so gaily threw  
Were for this Potter boy.  
And at Hogwarts his heroic ways  
Came out, though he seems coy.  
A troll, a basilisk and a maze  
Were tackled by this boy.  
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank!  
  
GOOD INTERROGATORS: Tink-a-tank!  
  
BONES: Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank!  
  
GOOD INTERROGATORS: Tink-a-tank!  
  
BONES: A troll, a basilisk and a maze  
Were tackled by this boy.  
  
GOOD INTERROGATORS: Tink-a-tank!  
  
FUDGE: But praise incessant puffs the pride,  
And glamour he'll employ  
To cover all the deeds he's tried,  
The rebellious Potter boy.  
And he relies upon his fame,  
To lighten the hoi polloi:  
And tales he makes to shirk the blame,  
This guilty Potter boy.  
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank!  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Tink-a-tank!  
  
FUDGE: Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank!  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Tink-a-tank!  
  
FUDGE: And tales he makes to shirk the blame,  
This guilty Potter boy.  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Tink-a-tank!  
  
Oh, I don't like the pride of this lad,  
Who thinks he is good for he's famous.  
He behaves as if we should be glad  
To excuse all his crimes that are heinous.  
In our youth we have cheated the law,  
As boys we were quite the rotter;  
But in this case we must expect more  
From a role model like Harry Potter.  
  
_Enter Dumbledore. The Evil Interrogators look scared._  
  
Who's that I saw,  
If there isn't a flaw?  
Come in so merrily – Dumbledore!  
Dumbledore! Dumbledore!  
Come in so merrily – Dumbledore!  
  
FUDGE, HARRY, BONES, UMBRIDGE: Dumbledore! Dumbledore!  
Come in so merrily – Dumbledore!  
Dumbledore! Dumbledore!  
Come in so merrily – Dumbledore!  
  
RECIT - _'Silence in court, and all attention lend', to 'All hail, great Judge.'_  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Wizengamot, Wizengamot, I speak for the defence.  
Prepare yourselves, I'll talk some common sense.  
  
I come here, Fudge,  
To end this row.  
I won't begrudge  
Your missing owl!  
  
UMBRIDGE: (aside) But how?  
FUDGE: (aside) But how?  
UMBRIDGE: (aside) But how?  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: (to each other) But how? But how?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: May your decree  
Reflect the truth  
And never be   
Unfair on the youth.  
  
HARRY: Please tell!  
BONES: Please tell!  
HARRY: Please tell!  
GOOD INTERROGATORS: Please tell, please tell!  
  
RECIT - _'For these kind words…'_  
  
UMBRIDGE: O Dumbledore, do hear my words, I pray.  
Abuse of magic we've to try today.  
But firstly to ensure no verdict you'll nudge  
I'll tell you how I came to work for Fudge.  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: She'll tell us how she came to work for Fudge!  
UMBRIDGE: I'll tell you how...  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: She'll tell us how...  
UMBRIDGE: I'll tell you how...  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: She'll tell us how, she'll tell us how she came to work for Fudge!  
UMBRIDGE: Let me speak!  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Let her speak!  
UMBRIDGE: Let me speak!  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Let her speak!  
UMBRIDGE: Let me speak!  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: (in a whisper) Yes, let her speak  
FUDGE: Let her speak.  
UMBRIDGE: Hem, hem, I speak.  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Hem, hem, she speaks.  
She'll tell us how she came to work for Fudge.  
  
SONG – _The Judge's Song – 'When I, good friends, was called to the bar'_  
  
UMBRIDGE: When I, good friends, was a girl in school,  
I had but one ambition.  
To keep order my way and to make the rule  
Was my particular mission.  
I'd seven OWLs and a NEWT in Charms,  
And three years spent as a prefect.  
I possessed a skill, which often alarms,  
In concealing obvious defect.  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: She possessed a skill which often alarms,  
In concealing obvious defect.  
  
UMBRIDGE: My careers adviser shook her head  
My ambitions seemed to disdain her  
"There isn't a place that could take you," she said  
"With your boundless meg'lomania."  
So I ordered her out of her office then,  
Sent the Ministry a letter.  
What an awful bunch of blundering men!  
I knew I could do better.  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: What an awful bunch of blundering men!  
She knew she could do better.  
  
UMBRIDGE: The Ministry were less than thrilled  
And replied to my firm petitions:  
"All the vacancies here are already filled,  
We care not for your ambitions."  
"You shall make a space for one more," said I,  
"And a royal gem you'll find me!  
And every Ministry, by and by,  
Will wish that they had signed me."  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: And every Ministry, by and by,  
Will wish that they had signed her!  
  
UMBRIDGE: The seed they'd sown was sadly poor,  
And soon enough they'd reap it.  
They were never willing to break the law,  
As part of their aim to keep it.  
A man named Fudge spoke to me alone,  
He asked if I would mind it  
If he was the power on the throne,  
And I the power behind it.  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: He was the power on the throne,  
And she the power behind it.  
  
UMBRIDGE: At length we became a prosperous pair  
Our rewards were all quite regal  
And I'll do anything to keep us there  
Whether legal or illegal  
For the Ministry to lose us, why,  
That would be simply tragic!  
And now if you please, it's time to try  
This gross misuse of magic.  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: And now if you please, it's time to try  
This gross misuse of magic.  
  
UMBRIDGE: For I'll never budge!  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Nor the good Fudge too!  
UMBRIDGE: For I'll never budge!  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Nor the good Fudge too!  
UMBRIDGE: Though nature will us judge  
I will always work for Fudge  
And I'll never ever budge!  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Nor the good Fudge too!  
  
UMBRIDGE: I must always do my job.  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: And a good job too.  
UMBRIDGE: I must always do my job.  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: And a good job too.  
UMBRIDGE: This Potter is a yob,  
We must take him from the mob;  
I must always do my job –  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: And a good job too!  
  
RECIT – _'Swear thou the jury.'_  
  
FUDGE: I'll state the charges.  
They are as follows…  
  
On August 2, at nine twenty-three,  
He engaged in underage sorcery:  
A Patronus charm with a Muggle nearby,  
Did two decrees of magic defy.  
  
HARRY: To all of this I make reply,  
To all of this I make reply,  
I summoned the Charm on Dementors nearby,  
And thus did not the laws defy.  
Thus did not the laws defy.  
  
_The Wizengamot whisper among themselves. Fudge gives them all a smug smile. Dumbledore raises his eyebrows._  
  
RECIT – _'Where is the Plaintiff?'_  
  
DUMBLEDORE: I have a witness,  
Let her now be brought.  
O, Arabella, come thou into court.  
Arabella! _(echo 'Arabella')_  
Arabella! _(echo 'Arabella')_  
  
_Enter Mrs. Figg._  
  
SONG – _'Comes the broken flower'_  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Comes the helpful neighbour  
Comes the watchful Squib  
To watch Harry she'd labour  
Since he was in the crib  
When the seeds are sowing –  
When leaves fall from the twig,  
Watching Harry growing,  
Was Arabella Figg.  
Arabella Figg!  
  
FUDGE: Tell us your story, and what you saw,  
Tell us, tell no lies from Dumbledore.  
  
WIZENGAMOT: Tell us your story and what you saw,  
Tell no lies from Dumbledore,  
Tell no lies from Dumbledore,  
Tell us, tell no lies from Dumbledore.  
  
FIGG: On August the second,  
I was on my way  
The shops to me had beckoned  
On that summer's day  
I, to the alley coming,  
Heard a dreadful noise –  
Dementors came in running,  
Attacking two young boys.  
Two young boys.  
  
BONES: Dementors glide in – they're what you saw?  
FUDGE: Sounds like, sounds like lies from Dumbledore!  
GOOD INTERROGATORS: Tell us your story and what you saw,  
Tell no lies from Dumbledore,  
Tell no lies from Dumbledore  
GOOD/EVIL INTERROGATORS: Tell us, tell no/Sounds like, sounds like lies from Dumbledore!  
  
_'Oh, never, never, never…'_   
FUDGE: Oh, never, never, never,  
Since the days of my own youth,  
Heard I a story so far from the truth!  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Ah, sly one! Ah, sly one!  
BONES: (To Figg) What say you,  
Please do describe Dementors before us.  
FIGG: Big cloak-wearing things that made me dolorous!  
FUDGE: (sarcastically) The witness, gentlemen, quite overpowers!  
FIGG: I felt so cold and lonely, for what seems like hours.  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Ah, sly one! Ah, sly one!  
FIGG: Shivers ran through me, for what seems like, what seems like hours.  
  
Monsters! Monsters! Went for Harry,  
Drew his wand, he didn't tarry,  
Formed a stag Patronus!  
A stag Patronus!  
Patronus!  
Pat–  
  
FUDGE: Figg, you may go.  
  
RECIT – _'May it please you, m'lud'_  
  
FUDGE: Wizengamot!  
If I may make a comment.  
  
ARIA – _'With a sense of deep emotion'._  
  
With a statement so suspicious,  
I need hardly state the case  
That her statement was fictitious  
And of truth there was no trace;  
That Dementors fled their binding,  
All at once a wizard finding!  
  
WIZENGAMOT: Could Dementors flee their binding?  
All at once a wizard finding!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Coming straight into the alley;  
An occurrence that is rare.  
Not coincidentally  
Could Dementors happen there.  
To stray over Muggle borders,  
They were surely taking orders.  
  
WIZENGAMOT: To stray over Muggle borders,  
They were surely taking orders.  
  
UMBRIDGE: Dumbledore, I am surprised,  
Say if I misunderstand,  
But it seems you have surmised,  
This was an attack we planned!  
Sending soul-thirsty Dementors,  
On two youthful boys defenceless.  
  
WIZENGAMOT: Sending soul-thirsty Dementors,  
On two youthful boys defenceless.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: This must be the sole conclusion,  
If we trust in all you say;  
If loyalty is no illusion,  
Then this is the only way.  
It is cause for us to worry  
Why Dementors were in Surrey.  
  
WIZENGAMOT: It is cause for us to worry  
Why Dementors were in Surrey.  
  
FUDGE: How false, you're dreaming, oh how false!  
  
WIZENGAMOT: How false, how false, you're dreaming!  
How false! How false!  
How false, how false, you're dreaming!  
How false! How false!  
  
_'That she is reeling'_  
  
FUDGE: That Figg is lying is plain to see.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: If truth you're trying, set Harry free.  
Dementors serve but their own gain.  
  
WIZENGAMOT: Oh, phony mentor! Explain! Explain!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: To serve another, they'll forsake you  
  
FUDGE: There is no other, this is not true!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Then they were sent by your command.  
  
WIZENGAMOT: Were Dementors moved by Fudge's hand?  
  
FUDGE, UMBRIDGE, EVIL INTERROGATORS: Potter! He's the liar!  
Never Fudge! These tales are dire!  
Potter! Potter, he's the liar!  
  
SONG – _'Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray'_  
  
FUDGE: Remember the subject, I pray,  
If they're not of the boy's imagination,  
Of the hearing we're hearing today,  
Dementors have no correllation.  
For whether in Surrey they're found,  
Or whether in Azkaban prison,  
This question should not have come round,  
For this is not our decision.  
Consider the object, I pray,  
Heed not Dumbledore's sad pretences –  
The hearing we're hearing today,  
Is all about Potter's offences.  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Consider the object, we pray,  
Heed not Dumbledore's sad pretences –  
The hearing we're hearing today,  
Is all about Potter's offences.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: One shouldn't read sequels alone,  
Nor is there a use in dissecting,  
Then examining only the bone,  
And never the tissue connecting.  
In Clause Seven of the decree,  
The one that's within your citation,  
The lawmakers do all agree,  
It depends on the situation.  
So hear what the witnesses say,  
Pay heed unto all the defences.  
The hearing you're hearing today,  
Decides if he did the offences.  
  
GOOD INTERROGATORS: So hear what the witnesses say,  
Pay heed unto all the defences.  
The hearing you're hearing today,  
Decides if he did the offences.  
  
RECIT – _'That seems a reasonable proposition.'_  
  
BONES: That seems a sensible vindication,  
To which, I think, we could possibly agree.  
  
FUDGE: But despite Dumbledore's proud oration  
We still know this boy has a history!  
  
Before that August the second,  
So authorities have reckoned,  
He blew up his aunt one time.  
And that is not his only crime!  
  
WIZENGAMOT: Oh, what a rascal! Oh, what a rascal!  
  
QUARTETTE – _'A nice dilemma we have here'_  
  
FUDGE: A young delinquent we have here  
What shall we do with him?  
Do with him?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Well first of all, I'll make it clear,  
You cannot punish every whim.  
  
UMBRIDGE: He once used a Hover Charm,  
We can't put that on the shelf.  
  
HARRY: I didn't do the harm,  
That was a small House Elf!  
  
ALL: A nice dilemma we have here,  
That calls for all our wit.  
  
_NB. This bit is exactly the same as the original. Repeat the above two lines in different tunes ad nauseum, or to the end of the song, whichever comes first._  
  
DUET – FUDGE & DUMBLEDORE – _'I love him, I love him'_  
  
FUDGE: I'll have him, I'll have him, I want his conviction,  
This boy's too much trouble by far.  
He's certainly crazy, he always spouts fiction,  
The boy with the lightning-bolt scar.  
He cannot help messing, I'll have him confessing,  
On Veritaserum one day.  
So you I'm addressing, be wise in assessing,  
The sentence that Potter must pay –  
Yes, he must pay!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: It's not in your remit, it's not in your power,  
To punish all Harry's mistakes.  
From Hogwarts' dark dungeons to its tallest tower,  
You don't enforce rules that he breaks.  
The facts that you're stressing, we are not addressing  
To this Wizengamot today.  
Recall this professing when you are assessing  
The sentence that Potter must pay.  
  
FUDGE: Yes, he must pay.  
  
WIZENGAMOT: We would be fairly acting,  
What truth are we extracting?  
If there Dementors, good the intent was  
That is an abatement.  
  
FUDGE: (I'll have him, I'll have him, the boy with the scar!)  
DUMBLEDORE: (It's not in your power to punish them all!)  
  
RECIT – _'The question, gentlemen – is one of liquor'_  
  
BONES: The evidence for the case is made completely  
You've heard the questions, now give your reply  
Was Potter guilty of using magic indiscreetly  
Now make a statement, where do sympathies lie?  
  
GOOD INTERROGATORS: (raising their hands) By our verdict  
We don't convict.  
  
EVIL INTERROGATORS: (raising their hands) We do convict.  
  
BONES: We don't convict.  
  
GOOD/EVIL INTERROGATORS: By our verdict, we don't/do convict,  
We don't/do convict! We don't/do convict!  
  
_Fudge counts the hands. Then he explodes with fury. 'All the legal furies seize you.'_   
FUDGE: Have beguiling curses seized you?  
Could these lies have really pleased you?  
It's time to make Potter pay,  
Now you've let him get away.  
Aurors and interrogators,  
You have been naïve debaters!  
Arguments held no faster  
Then petty school's headmaster!  
For the verdict is, I fear…  
Potter is declared all clear!  
  
ALL: Ah!  
  
FINALE – _'Oh joy unbounded.'_  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, wise judicion,  
Correct decision!  
Cleared of suspicion,  
The boy may go.  
  
UMBRIDGE: Results reported,  
Have shown we're thwarted,  
Our plan aborted,  
A striking blow.  
  
HARRY: _(leaving the courtroom)_ Wonder if I'll,  
See that witch vile,  
That toad in the trial –  
Suppose if I do?  
  
ARTHUR: It seems to me, lad,  
That now you're free, lad  
No threat is she, lad  
Nor the 'good Fudge' too.  
  
HARRY & ARTHUR: Oh, wise judicion  
Correct decision!  
Cleared of suspicion,  
The boy may go.  
  
It seems to me (lad)  
That now I'm/you're free (lad)  
No threat is she (lad)  
Nor the 'good Fudge' too.   
  
_They repeat these lines as they walk happily off into the distance._  
_Meanwhile, Fudge and Umbridge sit brewing over their failure._  
  
UMBRIDGE: Oh, I'll never budge!  
FUDGE: Nor will this Fudge too!  
UMBRIDGE: Oh, I'll never budge!  
FUDGE: Nor will this Fudge too!  
UMBRIDGE: Though the Wizengamot judge,  
I will always work for Fudge!  
And I'll never never budge –  
FUDGE: Nor will this Fudge too!  
  
UMBRIDGE: Though Potter is a yob  
(BONES: No, no, no!)  
FUDGE: And a great yob too!  
UMBRIDGE: Though Potter is a yob  
(BONES: No, no, no!)  
FUDGE: And a great yob too!  
UMBRIDGE: Though Potter is a yob,  
We'll restore him to the mob,  
And I'll get him in my job.  
FUDGE: And a good job, too!  
  
_This idea tickles their fancy, and they happily dance around the empty courtroom celebrating their new devious plan._  
  
CURTAIN  



End file.
